Stress

College…future…what am I going to do? I’m so stressed it’s horrible…I can’t think…I can’t concentrate…I’m at a breaking point and I don’t know what to do…I need help…I need friends…but where are they? Oh well they are all gone…having fun

Thanks

I want to give thanks…to my dead beat dad…because of you and what you have never done for me I will be getting scholarships for college :). Thanks for nothing and I hope you learned your lesson. I will now be enjoying my life knowing that your mistake and lose had gained me college that I don’t need to pay.

Your voice

Your voice brought me to tears…tears of anger. I’ve waited 17 years to hear your voice. The one chance I got and you hung up.you hung up because you are not a man…you are a coward and you know it. You don’t deserve me…I’ve found someone. I found a father figure. I don’t need you…I’ve done fine without you and I’m perfectly fine without you.

The truth?

What is the truth? The truth is a lie. I’m not allowed to say the truth. I’m not allowed to say it because no one can understand. The truth is, this thing, this disease, is tearing me apart. No one knows the struggle I go through or what my family goes through. Everyone can say they “understand” but they really don’t. Don’t say you understand until you watch your best friend and grandma (Oma) rot in front of you for 7 years. No one can understand…even if they were to trade places with me…you can’t understand the truth.

The feeling

You know that feeling you get when you are sitting alone and you feel so relaxed? I never got that feeling until now. It took 17 years to feel relaxed and even now I’m still not fully relaxed. I still worry like most people do but I feel like it’s different for me. I feel like I have so much stress that it would be a miracle for me to relax. I’m not sure how to solve it but I’m sure I will eventually…maybe. But anyways, until next time, bye my lovelies.

Surgery???

So I’m kinda freaking out…I found out I may need surgery on my knee but I’m really hoping I don’t…I can’t stand the fact of getting put under and not being able to work…help???? 😩

Counseling

My moms thinking bout getting me a therapist. To help deal with the pain. I don’t know how I feel about it since I don’t like talking to people about what’s wrong. But I guess it’s best for me so I don’t fall deeper into depression…update soon…maybe..

Granted

People take things for granted. Try loving in a house where you can’t sit in the living room and watch tv for 7 years. For 7 years I was confined to my room or the basement. After I moved I realized it felt great gettin to go anywhere in my house. I can go outside, I can watch tv, I can do anything. Dont take things for granted. One day you will miss it.

And here we go again

I went to visit my Oma yesterday like I do every Sunday. She was asleep, like always, and it was kinda scary. Every time i go to my Oma’s I have to check on her and every time I see her laying in bed it’s almost like she’s dead. I freak out and hold my breath until I see her breathe. During that time so many things go through my head. Is she okay? Is she alive? Did she have a stroke? I know I’ll keep doing that until the day she does pass. It’s scary going to see her because I know I could find her…dead.

But no one knows what you go through

You keep your secrets to yourself
You put on a smile so no one asks
But no one knows what you go through

All the yelling
And you still smile
Just so no one asks
But no one knows what you go through

All the name calling
But there’s that smile
The fake smile
So no one asks
But no one knows what you go through

All the threats
And to start to frown
It’s getting worst
But no one asks
And no one knows what you go through

That’s smile goes away
And now there is a frown
People start to ask
What you go through

The truth comes out
Now there are tears
People start to care
And help you get through what you go through

~never keep something back because one day your smile will go away and people will start to ask what’s wrong.